GAH.

There is no other word. I wish there was - I wish there was some beautifully uncomfortable-in-your-mouth kind of word that even looks pressured and anxious sitting here on the page, but all I have is "GAH."

(please feel free to contribute any word possibilities - I'm more than willing to have a vocabulary lesson)

Today was the last day of DRP testing.

GAH.

I definitely don't have a grasp on 8th grade yet. So many of them only see through their apathetic hipster glasses to conclude that school is this irksome and monotonous chore that gets them nothing in return. I know it's not my job to make them fall in love with school, or even English for that matter, but each moment I spot that apathy, the eternal student within me aches.

How do I get through to them? I started this internship thinking that if I acted like I knew where they were coming from - that I understood them - that I was once one of them - they would connect with and respect me.

Nope.

GAH.

So picture 4th period. Eighth grade. Right after lunch.

They were so not in the mindset to be quiet and take a test. Why would they be? Most of them just got all hopped up on sugar and sugar drinks - I would even have trouble sitting still.

Then half of them started making excuses about why they didn't have their reading books in class (after I've been reminding them about it for the past 4 days, warning them that there would be no excuses today).

GAH.

When I asked those students what they were going to do to remember it for tomorrow, I only received shoulder shrugs - the universal sign for "I'm trying to kill you with frustration, Mrs. Brown."

GAH.

And then they all had to go to the bathroom at once.

GAH.

So I might have lost it...not completely...but partially.

One student approached me and tossed me his planner (which is also the universal hall pass at the school) and just grunted, "I have to go to the bathroom." Offended by his disrespect, I just stared at him. I motioned to his planner and responded, "Um, it's your responsibility to fill that out, and I don't appreciate you throwing it at me. Please fill out the information in your hall pass log and then I'll sign it."

He raised his eyebrows at me, grabbed the planner and hunched back into his desk while he filled it out.

He returned with only his name filled in and the time. Still annoyed, I responded, "Please fill it all in next time, (student name)."

When he walked away, a piece of paper fell out of his planner. Wrinkled and ripped, the scrap paper turned out to be his parent permission slip that I have been trying to get him to turn in for the past week. When I pointed it out, he grabbed it from me, wadded it into a ball and shoved it in his pocket. Of course all of the students in my class are now fully focused on him and not the test, so he grins at them and laughs as he shoves the paper in his pocket. My frustration is obvious to the class and they laugh again.

GAAAAAAHHHH.

So, I waited by the door for him to return from the bathroom. When he opened the door, I gestured for him to remain in the hallway for me to speak to him.

Raised eyebrows again.

"What's going on, (student name)?"

"Uh. Nothin."

"I don't appreciate your behavior in class today. What is going on?"

"I don't know what you're talking about. I didn't do anything."

"I will not stand for you disrespecting me in the way you did - you don't throw you're planner at me. You know better and I expect more from you."

"But I didn't know."

Thought occurs to me - he's an eighth grader but might not have gone to Dixon last year. 

"How long have you been here, (student name)?"

"Uh. Two weeks."

"I know that you know about the planner, we talked about it in class."

"Well, I was asleep."

"Okay, well whose fault was that?"

"Uh. Mine."

"(Student name), if you didn't know how to use the planner as a hall pass, why didn't you just ask me?"

"I dunno." He hunches his shoulders and puts his hands in his pockets like Is this gonna take much longer?

"I'm sorry, that's not acceptable. Your attitude in my class and your attitude right now is not going to fly this year."

"What attitude? I'm not doing anything."

"Don't argue with me right now - I'm not your mother, I'm your teacher, and I deserve your respect. You still have work to do in my class. Please get started."

I open the door to let him into class, he enters and slumps in his chair refusing to even pick up his pencil to continue. He stares straight ahead uncompromisingly. 

Instantly feeling bad for our conversation, I reflected on the moment. I'm struggling to somehow prove myself and my validity as a teacher particularly to this class. I saw the moment as an opportunity to show this student and the class that I wasn't going to stand for nonsense.

But this student got the brunt of it, and though his conduct was not ideal, he didn't deserve it.

I watched him for the rest of class. Dejected. Angry. Flippant.

Then this scripture broke through my frustration like sun rays through a cloud: "Reprove betimes with sharpness, when moved upon by the Holy Ghost; and then showing forth afterwards an increase of love toward him whom thou hast reproved, lest he esteem thee to be his enemy."

So as the bell tolled, I asked this student to come to my desk.

"I'm sorry, (student name). I should have been more understanding of the fact that you didn't know the hall pass procedures, but I have high expectations for you. You're a smart student --"

"Uh. No I'm not."

Pause. Epiphany.

"Well maybe that's what I was picking up on. I've only known you for a few weeks and already believe in you more than you believe in yourself. I have high hopes for you, (student name), and I simply want you to raise your own expectations for yourself, okay?"

"K."

"I know you can. Bring me that parent signature sheet tomorrow, okay?"

Raised eyebrows. "Fine."

I don't know if that achieved the "increase of love" I was shooting for, but it hurt to see someone so willing to admit he has no hopes for himself. 

And it hurt to know that I failed him in my assessment as a teacher - I saw a flippant young man who wanted attention. Then I met a lost young man who needed validation, compassion, and understanding. 

There is no other word.

GAH.

Here's to trying again tomorrow. :D