I Can Do HARD Things!

I know. I know.

The blog has been a downer these last few days. Weeks. Yeah.

I think I need me some artificial sunshine because winter is taking its toll on me. Add it to the "If Only We Were Rich" Christmas List.

The hubs was really great this weekend to remind me that GOOD things are happening in my classroom. They are. But the heap-load of pressures for my students to perform well on common assessment and tests are building up to a breaking point. Good thing break is only 2 days away.

I promise. I'm sane. I might just be seriously hormonal. I have no idea why else tears would start to brim in my eyes during a STAFF meeting. What on earth is wrong with me?

We spent the morning looking at the new Utah Effective Teaching Standards. Good stuff, let me tell you. They are really upping the bar for teachers in Utah, which is not just a good thing. It's a GREAT thing.

But as they start to talk about how, within the next few years, teachers are going to be compensated based on their effectiveness (student test scores, teacher evaluations, parental feedback, etc.), I started to hyperventilate a little.

Yes... I'm doing everything I can to be a good teacher and I'm not afraid about raising the stakes. But, after looking at the UET standards, I know I'm no where near a 3 or 4 in any of those areas. I'm working on it, but I'm a work in progress! This is only my first go around! I'm improving, but I'm no where near THAT kind of teacher yet.

And though I have some parents who have already sung my praises to the high heavens, I've also had parents who've complained that I'm not doing enough for their child. Is that really going to be the difference between whether I keep my job or not? Whether I GET a job or not?

So when some 20+ years of experience teachers are starting to freak out a little bit about these same concerns, I can't help but freak out to an exponential degree.

Why would anyone hire me? I have no experience, I'm struggling to keep all of my students engaged while seeing to the differentiated needs in each of my classrooms, and, I'm two days away from break barely keeping it all together!

Bah. Hum. Bug.

I just felt like if any person were to come into one of my classes to observe me based on those new Effective Teaching Standards, I would get 1's across the board (which is fitting since I am a "Practicing" teacher, but not so wonderful for someone who so desperately wants to be an asset to her students and an asset to the school).

So...

I'm going to spend the rest of the day focusing on the great things that are happening in my class, I'm going to grade some awesome papers, I'm going to remind myself of the good things I am doing with my individual students, and I'm going to not think about being perfect at this moment (and let's face it - I'm not going to thing about trying to get a job right now. I'll leave that for a March. Maybe April. And if that's a bad thing... I'm going to do it anyway for my own sanity).

If I'm ANYTHING as a teacher, I'm the person who is never done looking for ways to improve.

(I just can't improve in every way all at once.)

Baby steps, little baby teacher. Baby steps.