Drops of Awesome...

A few days ago, I sat at our Staff Training Meeting and had our Special Ed Director reach over the table and ask me, "Are you coming back next year?" I replied the only way I could - "It's really not up to me. I would love the opportunity to be here another year, but that's up to the big guy!" as I nodded my head in the Principal's direction.

That same day, this teacher walked out of the school just as I was about to climb into my car to drive home. I waited a moment before climbing in so I could wave goodbye. As I did so, she called out, "Cali, I want to co-teach with you next year! It's gonna happen! I'm talking to [the principal]!"

At first I was overjoyed - I mean, seriously, who doesn't love evidence that they are doing something right!? That they're appreciated!?

But then, the Voice crept in.

I don't like to talk about the Voice much, mostly because I'd like to believe it's not actually there. I'm usually just trying to ignore the darn thing or avoid it like Walmart on Black Friday.

But it's there. That thing. That nasty little meddler who takes my opportunities for happiness and dunks them in the trash like LeBron James.

Just as I thought to myself, "SEE? Look! I'm doing something right. I'm an asset to this school and I'm proving that I CAN do this job despite all of its difficulties..." the Voice showed up.

"You really think that's what she meant? How could you possibly be an asset to the school? You've been here for less than a semester, you still don't know everyone's names at the school, and you're just going to be someone who used to teach here in about 4 months, replaced by another intern. Probably one better than you. That teacher was probably just saying that because she's heard how BAD you are and she wants to make sure she co-teaches with you so you don't mess up as BAD as you have been."

Please remember - I'm not psycho. I know this voice is completely irrational and a bit dramatic, if I do say so myself. But it's always there.

Then I found this blog post - not a day after this happened - and things changed a little bit.

I am not the sum of my shortcomings. I am the sum of the opportunities where I DID what was right. Where I DID succeed. Where I WAS AWESOME. Just because one class didn't go so well, doesn't mean I failed. It meant 5 of my classes did great! 5 flippin' drops of AWESOME!

I can't tally my failures as proof that the Voice is right. Because the Voice is so NOT awesome and has no say.

So today - when we began our debates (practicing our methods of argumentative writing) - one of my classes bombed. Big. Every student who got up to debate looked at me like, "Well, what am I supposed to say?" While the rest of my students took off running. Got so excited about the opportunity for extra credit for the winning team, that I actually had to cut the debates short so everyone could get a turn! So what happened with that one class?

I put my failure to the side and tried again. With 7 minutes left of class, I threw my lesson plans out the window and turned to my students. I said, "You aren't ready for this? Fine. I wish you'd listened to my directions today, but I realize that maybe this isn't a topic you're ready for. So, I turn to you. What would you want to debate?"

Instantly, they said, "XBOX360 vs. PlayStation 3!"

"Okay then," I replied. "It's your choice. But you STILL have to make sure your argument has the three necessary parts we talked about!"

And then - that class caught on fire. Students were jumping out of their seats to get tapped in to argue. The bell rang and students stayed in their seats to get in a last word. They started walking out of the classroom continuing the argument down the hall.

For the moment before I changed plans, I felt that failure. I felt the Voice getting worked up for another round of attack.

But then, I adapted. I changed. I moved on to a different strategy. Drop of Awesome.

Here's to the Drops of Awesome I will add to my bucket today, and here's to stomping out the Voice inside my head.

And here's to the letter I vow to write tonight and turn into the Principal's box tomorrow.

And then here's to not taking whatever happens in the next 6 months personally.

Yeah.

Cheers to that! :)